Friday, 1 October 2010

IHoP Response: Drinking a Man's Drink #1

Ahoyhoy folks, DaveHowitzer here with another drink related post here! First of all, I give MASSIVE plugs to Lauby and all the chaps over at Int'l House of Paincakes for allowing me and my particular brand of insanity into their network.  -and Lauby I LOVE the fact that you dig the theme.-

Now to the task at hand where I shall spin you a disasterous and tragic yarn of horrible nasty times. Browsing my new blogging home I came upon a STARTLING discovery. Now readers, those of you of a tender age look away now...

                                                            THE HORROR

Now you may think to yourself; "Ahh that's not so scary, its just Lantz from The Magnet Pro with some spiffy looking cocktail." Well dear reader...YOU ARE INCORRECT. What good Lantz holds in his hands is an Appletini...a tremendously gay drink. It tastes of sweetness and candy and unicorns. Who really want's that?

-Well...besides Archnomad-

Today my friends we turn away from one hobby and turn to another, the demon drink and how to order a man's drink.

Now I am not going to tell you what to like. You can like whatever the hell you want, we will discuss in a later article how to order a woman's drink and make it look like you are drinking a man's drink - and no, that's not just a case of changing the glass- 

Gentlemen, we will discuss a manly drink today, specifically a manly cocktail and why they taste so damn good. Now you American readers out there have it far luckier than us Brits, in the cocktail world you guys drink far more bitter cocktails than we do over here, which is why all tose of us who love those kind of drinks flock to NYC, our own little bar-heaven. A manly drink is not sweet. It puts hair on your chest! If you aren't into your cocktails -yet- we'll start you off simple.

A bourbon and coke. Very simple and tastey as hell. You get the awesome aroma of the corn and rye coming through the coke (or pepsi, depends on where you are) and says to another person, "Hey, this guy must be doing well for himself, he isn't drinking a vodka and coke (which is in actual fact a "BOY DRINK" which we will discuss in a moment.) so he must be a little more streetwise. Hmm what's that smell...he smells like a corn field. I like this guy, I'd definately have a beer with him, or invite him to my sister's wedding." SCORE.

How about a rum and coke? Hells yes! Only if you have a squeeze of lime in it though. Lime complements rum perfectly, since at its very base components, rum is just sugar, lime and vanilla. Adding in that citrus slightly inbalanced the taste of the drink to give it a little bit of a kick that lets you know that you are having a strong drink. Furthermore, not having a lime in your rum and then talking so someone who knows that rum has a lime in it makes you look like you are an idiot. From this they will guess that you prefer "old" Sailor Jerry because it got you smashed for cheaper, that you don't know what kind of spirit Bacardi is and that your life is generally a failure. BAD TIMES, GET LIME.

Vodka and coke. HELLS NO. This is not a no to vodka per se, let me explain: Vodka especially in the UK right now is a young person or "boy's drink". It is obtained and drank by young people or stupid people with the express intent of getting sauced off their nut.  -ok off their head, leave my Scottishisms alone-  Vodka being 37.5% all the way to 42% ABV is strong, let's not beat about the bush. It's a spirit duh. Young guns will mix it with coke or lemonade or Irn Bru -made with gurders don't you know- so they don't actually taste the alcohal and thus will drink more of it faster. In my mind this is the exact opposite of what the drinking experience should be; drinking for enjoyment and as a social experience to take the edge off, not to vomit in a corner on my mate's expensive rug. -totally wasn't me by the way- Other "boy drinks" include: Stella and any other lager above 5% any cheap tonic wine: Buckfast, Thunderbird, Mad Dog and any alchopop for example WKD, Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Breezer etc.

So we've covered the spirits and mixers and warned of some things to avoid, now to what you've been waiting for....the cocktails. -well maybe not you, but I've been waiting for them-

We'll return to our glorious picture of Lantz and a little comparison.
Lady cocktail: Poor guy didn't know better.
Man Cocktail: Success, brotherhood, attractive lady taking pictures of you and your bro.
-Moving on-

We will have 3 examples of a man cocktail here! All can be categorised as a man cocktail because the way they are made and the ingredents used forces you to taste the alcohal, and anything extra is there to complement it, as opposed to masking it like a girl's cocktail.

1) The Old Fashioned. If you love straight bourbon this is for you. Essentially 2 oz of your favourite bourbon (I don't care what your favourite is tbh, use Makers Mark, it's better...or Gentleman Jack's if you can get a hold of it) A good bartender will make it in ten minutes, closely monitoring the dilution. If you get one that is watery don't give up on it, it takes a skilled bartender to make this right. Utter classic and one of my favourites.

2) The Daquiri. Strips the rum back to its base components, lime and sugr and serves it in an awesome package that SHOULD be a little more sour than sweet. This, again, is a test of a bartender and if they can get the balance right for you. If you want it a bit sweeter, ask them before they make it, same for sour. More often than not, a bartender who knows what they are doing will balance the drink well. A little note too on the glass. A martini glass is often considered a girls glass. It is NOT. It is just perceived as such because people only see pretty pink cocktails in them. Prove them wrong by ordering a Manhattan or a Sidecar, but we'll cover them in later articles.

3) The Martini. Categorised as a man's cocktail not only because it consists only of alcohol and water like the Old Fashioned, but also because you can build it like you want it. The Classic Gin Martini, the Vodka Martine, the Vesper Martini. Dirty, sweet, extra dry, with a twist. The drink is tailored for you, so having one really tells people you are a man who likes his drink and knows what he wants. One piece of advice though, know what Vodka/Gin you like and find a vermouth that goes well with it. -Nolly Pratt is great, give that a try with Belvedere for a vodka martini- And for god sake man, drink it slow, it hits you like a freight train.

Now guys we have discussed the basics and you have a few ideas. A strong drink that should be taken in ample time. Don't down it, then you'll look like a tube. Enjoy your drinks damnit! So please, for me this weekend, put the beers to the side when you go out. Try a cocktail, pretty please. Next time we will discuss some more drinking options for the manly man and how not to make the mistake of drinking too much and ruining your suit. - Which you should own and always wear, a la Barney Stinson-

Only gay because he's had every girl in the world...thrice

Now all that remains to be said is, thank you Paincakes for letting me be a part of your evil empire of AWESOME, and Lantz I love your blog, hope you don't take the article badly, its actually meant to be helpful and a bit of a jest. Love your work man and everyone on IHoP.

-Yes even Archnomad-

Love, Dave.


  1. Drinks 101, I love it. You have to do an article on proper drinks for a game of 40K, WHFB, what have you.

  2. not down witht the whole and coke thing, but manhattans, old fashioned, scotch, and bourbon rock my ass.

  3. I drink scotch and Bourbon, mainly woodford reserve.

    I like it so much I find it hard to drink anything else, though there is a whiskey cocktail I do enjoy once in a blue moon ;o)

  4. Woodford Reserve is utterly gorgeous, Blantons is great too, though over here it's bloody expensive. I'm gonna be doing an article in a few weeks on Scotch so check it out =]

  5. Sitting sipping from a glass of Ardbeg. It's a glorious thing.

    I'm not really a big drinker, being so young and all. But from what I've found almost everything drunk at parties is mince, and I like Single Malts. ^^

    I was handed a glass of Glenfiddich by my mate like it was the holy grail. It's good, but a bit... I don't know, it wasn't really rich enough for me I suppose. As far as I know (limited knowledge in the subject, blame my age) Glenfiddich is a popular well liked, but not very interesting flavour.

    Any recommendations? :P

  6. Laphroig to start you into peaty whiskeys, if you like it great, get into EVERY SINGLE Isla malt. All are peaty goodness. If not, get into lowland whiskeys, nice and easy.

    Don't you worry buddy, I'll be doing a whiskey post soon.

  7. Compass box , peat monster , never buy anything else again....

    or you could give this a blast ;o)

    Lagavulin is similar to Ardbeg , I feel it is the better of the two try and get the 16yr old

  8. Old Fashioned and Vodka Gimlets-some of my favorites.

    I'm a Bushmill's girl, myself- but look forward to other whiskey options.

  9. Nice article. Got one question though. Are White Russians acceptable as a mans drink? Thanks!

  10. Thank you sir! I just had one.


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